When Someone You Love Has Hurt You: How to Start Over Fresh Again and Leave the Past in the Past

by BlondieWrites on March 5, 2009

It happens far too often. Words can deal a fatal blow to a relationship. People say mean and hurtful things, sometimes intentionally, to hurt the person they love the most. Once the words are out, it’s impossible to take them back. The pain and hurt is usually entirely too clear in the eyes of theperson who was hurt.

Hurting words can come from spouses, best friends, coworkers, siblings, parents, etc. No matter who it is that hurts us, the fact is words can sting with a vengeance. Rather than hold on to something that’s done and can’t be changed, if we choose to let it go, chances are the relationship will heal and flourish.

Sometimes the hurt is so deep and remains embedded deeply within the heart of the person who was hurt, and they walk away from the relationship. Too often pride stands in between the person who did the hurting and the person who was hurt. Instead of trying to make amends and healing the relationship, pride takes over on both sides, and a once loving relationship is nothing but a memory. It doesn’t have to be that way.

When someone has hurt us, it’s all too easy to just throw our hands up and walk away from it all. That’s the easy way out, but it’s also the losing way. You and the person that hurt you both lose out because you lose each other. But if we stop and ask ourselves why the person said hurtful things to us to start with, it could help the situation immensely.

Sometimes, though not always, a person will say something that hurts because they are stressed out or going through really rough times. They use us as bouncing board, someone to vent their frustrations out. But rather than vent what’s really going on, the stress comes out as hurtful words to us.

No doubt we have all done this to someone we love and had it done to us. The difference is in how we handle it. Do we choose to see the hurtful words for what they most likely are, stress and frustration at something in life, or do we take it personal (which it probably isn’t at all) and get angry and upset and just walk away.

If we walk away, we lose out on a wonderful relationship. Just because someone gets upset and stressed and says something that hurts us is not a reason to end a relationship, but sadly that’s what happens too often.

We can choose to leave the past in the past, knowing that the past can’t be changed or undone, and put our pride on the back shelf, and we can start fresh. To do this, it’s vital that a person understand that we all make mistakes and that no matter what someone has said or done, they simply cannot change the past. No amount of regret will undo something that was done or said. If we choose to hold onto a past hurt, we are the ones that are hurting ourselves. The person who said something or did something that hurt us is not hurting us.

When we choose to hold onto hurt, we took over the role as the one doing the hurting. When we choose to allow pride to keep us from reaching out to the other party, we are the one who is hurting ourself. We don’t have to let the past, that cannot be changed, to rule our present.

Sometimes a person has a hard time letting go and starting over because it seems that letting something go would somehow diminish the hurt that was said or done. But letting go of the past and beginning again isn’t diminishing anything nor taking away the fact that hurt was caused. It simply is forgiving, moving on, and living and loving again. To hold onto the hurt is to deprive yourself and someone else of a beautiful relationship.

Hurtful words can cut deep. But the deepest cut isn’t really the hurtful words at all, but rather the lost relationship and love if the two parties involved don’t put the past to rest and begin fresh.

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Letting Go of a Relationship: How to End a Relationship, Move On, and Be Happy Again

by BlondieWrites on January 5, 2009

One of the hardest things to do in life is to let go of a relationship. No matter what the cause of a breakup, learning to let go just often isn’t easy to do. It could be the one that got away, a first love, a spouse, a boyfriend or girlfriend, or unrequited love. Regardless of the situation, learning to let go of what’s over is often a very difficult thing to do and the hurt can often last for years if a person simply won’t break the hold.

Recovering from the horrible pain and hurt of a broken relationship is no easy task. When love is found, one naturally wants to believe it will last forever. And it’s great when it does. But when it doesn’t, the hurt and pain can be devastating. But even more devastating can be the pain and suffering the person experiences from not letting go of what’s gone and moving on with living.

Turning off feelings for someone isn’t like turning off a light switch. When a relationship ends, it doesn’t mean the feelings disappear or go away. Being left alone with feelings of emptiness, loneliness, anger, grief, rejection, and despair can prove to be overwhelming. The person might find themselves attempting to contact the other person, making up reasons to be where the other person is, calling them repeatedly, etc….anything to keep in contact with the other person or have some kind of hold or attachment still with them. And while it’s a natural thing to want to do this, it prevents us being healed of the relationship.

In order to let go and live again, the past must be closed. It is impossible to live in the past. You can’t look forward to a future when you live in what was, rather than in the here and now. What has happened is gone, and no amount of wanting, wishing, or regret will undo or changed what’s already happened and is over with.

To put closure on the past, you have to let go of the feeling that you can’t make it without the other person. Feelings of failure, trying to contact the person (unless you have children together), dependency, guilt, resentment, and anger… all of these feelings must be dealt with and brought undercontrol. While they are normal to feel, continuing to harbor them keeps you from being healed of the hurt, and therefore keeps you from living and being happy again.

Often when a relationship ends, one or both parties have the mindset that they are a failure. They measure their self worth by whether a relationship lasted or died. One’s self worth should never be measured by another person, but rather how they are. When you love yourself, you will learn that your self worth does not revolve around another person but rather is enhanced by the other person.

While there is just no way to magically heal the pain and hurting of a lost relationship, there are ways to help yourself heal. The main thing is that you have to allow yourself to want to heal, and not keep clinging to something that you simply cannot change.

Stop beating yourself up over the past. It’s done, it’s gone, it’s not changing. No matter who is at fault for the breakup, no amount of blaming yourself or feeling guilty will undo the past. Forgive either the other person or yourself (or both) and allow yourself to be happy again.

Unless you have children together, stop contacting the person. Don’t try to be where they are, don’t call them and leave them messages, don’t email them, don’t follow them around. Leave them alone! Continuing to attempt to be in contact with them (unless you have kids) does nothing but harass them and keep you tied to the pain.

Go out on dates with others and actually enjoy yourself. Have fun! And whatever you do, don’t spend the date talking about your ex and how much you miss them and want them back. This won’t lead to a second date! Go out and be happy, leave the worries behind. You might just find you had a fantastic time.

Allow yourself to heal from the breakup. Allow yourself to enjoy life again, to be happy. Allow yourself to heal from the past hurts and pain. Allow yourself the freedom to love again. Let go of the past, and be happy.

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Dealing With People Who Only Seek to Drag You Down

by BlondieWrites on January 4, 2009

The internet is one thing that I like a lot, mainly because I use it not only to work and earn a living, but to communicate with people I care deeply for. It’s a great tool when used in the right way and for the right reasons. But it can also be one of the most hurtful tools in today’s world.

As much as I like the internet, one of the things I dislike most about it is the way some people use it to hide behind a monitor and keyboard and treat others horribly bad. Most notable are AOL’s “Christian” chat rooms. Although there are Christian people that go into these chats, the behavior some often put forth (on a daily basis over a period of years) is too often anything but Christian.

No one is expected to be sweet and thoughtful and full of compassion 24/7, but neither is it expected for those that call themselves Christian to continually treat other humans with disdain. To laugh and make fun of their pain and judge them for their past (a past that in most cases God has forgiven them for)…it’s all just wrong and there’s nothing Christian in that type of behavior.

One of the hurtful things in a person’s life is when they are going through or have went through such a horrible time and just need someone to listen to them, to understand, to accept them for who they are.

And so they venture into what seems an innocent chat room because the title on the room says something about “Christian”. They start to talk and open up somewhat about themselves, perhaps sharing embarrassing or humiliating secrets that even their own families don’t know. Often the person has been forgiven by God already.

Yet as they share their past, all too often there will be some “Christians” who not only begin to judge them for their forgiven past or how they are living now, but slamming them and telling them what a horrible person they are.

It leaves me wondering just where Christ is in their “Christian” walk. He doesn’t show in their treatment and behavior when they judge and slam. So who are they really glorifying in their horrible treatment of a hurting person? It surely isn’t God.

So why do people do this to each other? More so, why do some Christians treat each other this way? Why do some Christians treat a hurting person so horrible? Why do some Christians treat anyone so terribly? What makes these people think they have the right to judge a person and their past, forgiven or not forgiven? Are they without sin to judge another? Has God given them the right to slam others or to run them down? No, He hasn’t and won’t.

It’s my belief that people who exhibit this type of behavior are often doing so because they are often living miserably and they want someone (anyone) to feel as miserable as they still do. Pride usually prevents them from just letting go of whatever is causing them to still feel so bad, and to keep from feeling so bad alone they want to drag someone down with them. So when a person comes along who shares their not so great past, they zone in on them and do everything in their power to push them down.

The person who originally came along seeking someone to share with and someone to listen to them surely needs our prayers. But just as much, if not more so, the ones that judge and get their pleasure from another’s pain need our prayers.

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How to Recognize a True Friend: Is the Person Who Says They Are Your Friend Really a Friend?

by BlondieWrites on January 4, 2009

Proverbs 18:24 says, “A man that hath friends must show himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.”

Over the course of our lives, we run into an untold amount of people. Some people boast of the number of friends they have, wearing the number like a prized badge on their clothing. But what is a friend really?

A friend isn’t someone that we just put a name to a face and know a few details about. That’s an acquaintance, someone that we know of, but we don’t really know. It’s important to clarify the difference in a friend and an acquaintance because the two are very different. To have an acquaintance turn into a friend would be wonderful. But to have a friend become only an acquaintance would be a heartbreaking loss.

So how do we know who is a friend? How do we recognize them? How does a friend stand out from the throng of people that call themselves our friend, but yet really have no clue as to what a friend really is?

Friends aren’t clones of each other. They disagree on things. They don’t always see eye to eye on issues. They might have different religious beliefs. They might be years apart in age or they might be the same age. They might come from totally different backgrounds or lifestyles. So what binds them together in such a way that they become friends?

Someone who is a friend puts their friend first. They don’t consider themselves when caring for their friend. They think of the welfare and well being of their friend above their own needs. A friend listens and they encourage their friend to talk if they want to talk, and they are just there when no words are said or needed. They give new meaning to caring, because they don’t talk about caring for someone, they show it and practice it.

A friend doesn’t remind their friend of their past or how many times they failed and messed up. A friend reminds their friend that they are special and that they are loved, as they are, even when the friend doesn’t feel so loved or special. A friend doesn’t judge their friend, but neither do they tell them a wrong is right or okay. And most of all, a friend often knows their friend as well or better than the friend knows themselves.

Someone who isn’t our friend will walk away when the storms of life hit. In fact, they will not just walk away but rather run away as fast as they can. They don’t want to hear about our problems and they don’t want to be burdened with us. A friend won’t run away, they won’t turn their backs when we are at our worst, and they won’t leave us when they find out ugly details about our past. Someone who isn’t our friend will turn away in a heartbeat, and no doubt blame you for their turning away.

Someone who isn’t really a friend cannot possibly understand you because they don’t know you. Sure, they might know your name and a few details about you. But they don’t know you. A friend knows you, they understand you, and they care for you like no one else does.

As time moves on, a friend becomes more than a friend, the friend turns into family, someone that you simply cannot imagine your life without. They do indeed stick closer than a brother (or sister), they become a part of you. The idea of them not being a part of your life is unimaginable. And how did they become such a meaningful part of your life? They were a friend, they showed themselves friendly, and the friend became family.

When a person boasts of having so many friends, an untold number of friends, it doesn’t impress me because they don’t obviously know what a friend is. When a person is honored and blessed to call someone their friend, that does impress me, because that person knows what it’s all about.

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Building Your Self Esteem and Learning to Love Yourself

by BlondieWrites on January 4, 2009

Low self esteem isn’t a rare thing among the human population. A surprisingly high number of people suffer from low self esteem. Often a person who has a low self esteem doesn’t love themselves, making the feelings even worse.

Low self esteem stems from a variety of issues. A person might have been ridiculed often as a child by their parents. Perhaps the person has felt that no one really understands them. Maybe the person was made fun of by other children over something like a speech problem. Whatever the cause, low self esteem can cause the person suffering from it to not only not love themselves but to feel like they aren’t good enough, that they don’t count, or that no one really loves them.

Sometimes, though not always, the person with low self esteem will lash out at others in a vain attempt to try to make themselves feel better or to raise themselves up. They feel the need to try to make another person feel as bad or as low as they feel in order to try and make themselves feel better. This attempt seldom works however, because they have failed to address the issue or issues that have them feeling so low to begin with. Attempting to bring another person down not only fails in bringing the other person down, it only makes the one suffering from the low self esteem feel worse and want to lash out even more.. They continue to seek a way to make someone else feel bad so that they don’t feel bad.

And the cycle continues because they are still suffering from low self esteem and they still don’t love themselves. There is an alarming number of people that even resort to cutting themselves in an attempt to feel better about themselves, seeking some measure of control over something they cannot control. But the cutting doesn’t make anything better, because again, the issues causing the low self esteem have not been faced or addressed.

Building your self esteem and learning to love yourself isn’t all that difficult, but it does take effort on your part. Start by realizing that no amount of downing another person will resolve whatever issues are plaguing you. To try and berate others doesn’t hurt anyone but you. It only keeps you in the cycle of low self esteem and prevents you from healing and loving yourself.

There will always be negative people with negative behaviors, and chances are they will project that negative energy onto you. A person with low self esteem will often take to heart anything negative thrown at them, and sink even lower. Rather than allow someone to make you feel bad over their bad behavior, consider the source that the bad behavior is coming from. Are their negative actions towards you really about you at all? Or are the negative actions simply a projection of their own feelings of low self worth? When you determine that it’s not even about you, but rather about them, then you can easily deflect the issue and not allow it to bring you down.

Begin each day by thinking of one thing that you really like about yourself. This can be your hair, your compassion for others, your ability to make others smile, or that you make a great pot of chicken and dumplings. As you do this each day and discover things about yourself that you like, you will begin to feel better about yourself, and your self esteem level will rise. And before you know it, you will find that you actually not only like yourself, but you love yourself too.

Enlist the help of those that love you to help build your self confidence. Those that know you best and care for you are the ones that can help you see how special you truly are. Remember that someone who really knows you has most likely seen you at your worst and they didn’t leave. These are the ones that can help you to build your self esteem.

When your mind has been conditioned to believe that you are no good, that you have no value, that you are worthless, then you will believe these things about yourself. A child who is told enough times that they are stupid will eventually believe that they are indeed stupid. Their low self esteem will carry into adulthood.

You can rebuild your self esteem by reversing the effect. If you tell yourself long enough that you are of value, that you do matter, that you do count, that you are indeed a beautiful person, that you are important, then eventually you will believe this to be true. Your self esteem level will rise, you will find yourself loving you.

Replacing the negative and bad thoughts with good and positive thoughts will soon leave no place for the negativity. Some people might need to constantly work at keeping their self esteem level at a high level. For others, once the issues are worked through that brought your self esteem down, you have it made.

Building your self esteem up will not only make you a happier person and give you peace, it will improve your relationships with others. It will also allow you to better see people who seek to only to bring you down by trying to berate you so that you can eschew from those types of people.

Whatever the issues that causes a person to feel so low, there is a way out. Facing whatever caused you to feel this way opens the door to healing. Knowing that words do not make you who you are, that another’s opinion of you doesn’t make you who you are, and that those who care are right there with you can help you to have high self esteem. Love yourself, you’re unique!

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